Oh sh t
by Bardiel the 13th
Summary: This is the FIRST story I ever, EVER wrote.This is good proof of how bad I actually am at this.Some chapters are really short.
1. Ouch

**Disclaimer:I do not own NGE.**

A/N:The more I see the less I know the more I like to let it go.Hey oh, woah.

**Ritsuko's apartment**

Here kitty kitty, come and get some fish, said Ritsuko to one of her many cats.

"She was currently at home feeding her cats before she went to work, the poor things were starved due to their owner never being home"

Here kitty get the fish.

Meeeooow, meowed the little cat.

Come get the fucking fish, or i'll turn you into dinner you furry little bastard!

"The cat(who didn't want to die)jumped on Ritsuko's lap and ate the fish"

Good girl, now be a good kitty while i'm at NERV.I gotta go now or i'll be late, said Ritsuko as she stood up.

Meow.

"On her way out Ritsuko's foot hit something hard on her door step.It was a homless guy, he didn't move so he was most likely to be dead"

Oh shit!, gasped Ritsuko as she fell foward.

"Fotunately the railing was right in front of her(she lived on the top floor of her building).Unfortunately she completely went over it, and fell from the twenty story building straight on to her car(which was conviniently parked right under her).

**At the bottom**

THIS IS BEYOND OH SHIT!!!!!!, yelled Ritsuko as she flew face first into the roof of her car.

BANG!!

"A mufled 'ouch' was heard.When Ritsuko finally unwedged herself she looked at her watch"

Dammit, i'm so late.Damn hobo's and their Rigamortis, cursed Ritsuko as she got into her car.

BANG!!

Aaaah!, cried Ritsuko because she hit her head on the dent that was made by her face.

"All Ritsuko got from her little 'accident' was a small, barely visible bruise on her left cheek"

A/N:Yeah, after a fatal twenty story fall onto a hard metal surface, she survived with a small bruise.Buch of shit's what this is.


	2. Mysterious clearish white fluid

**Disclaimer:I do not own NGE.**

**Somewhere shitty**

Brrrriing!Brrrrriing!Brrrrrii-Aaah!Fucking phone!

"Rei gasped"

Did I just say that, said Rei quietly to herself.(She picked up the phone to see who was calling)Hello, she said into the phone.

Rei, report to NERV as soon as you can, commanded the cold voice of Mr.Rogers-I...I mean Gendo.(Mr.Rogers is that child abusing old dick, remember)

Yes Mr.Ro- I mean commander Ikari, Rei had the strangest urge to say Mr.Rogers, whoever he was.(Rei doesn't know who he is, but she can feel the evil dripping from his name)_I should take a bath_, thought Rei.

**Rei's bathroom where Shinji, Gendo, Kozo, and practicly every other male character have their own personal hidden camera installed in**

"Rei proceded to take a bath while thinking why she had reacted that way to the phone earlier.After a while she gave up and started thinking on why they needed her at NERV today.Thinking about Nerv made her think about Shinji, and how if mix his name around it sounds like the last part of the word doujinshi, and thinking about doujinshi she thought about naked people.Which resulted in her imagining Shinji naked.Suddenly she felt a tingle, that snapped her out of her stupor"

What was that?, She wondered.

"She saw her hand on her special no no place, now she was confused as to why thinking about Shinji naked and her hand rubbing against her womanhood make her tingle?"

Maybe I should try it again to see what happens?, said Rei.

**One hour later**

"One hour later after her 'Quest for discovery' Rei was still confused, and even more baffled when a mysterious clear-ish white fluid (yes girls **DO** ejaculate) oozed out"

Oh well, better get to NERV, said a slightly light headed Rei.

**On the road to NERV**

"On her way to NERV, Rei heard a loud crash, but just she turned around she saw a huge truck flying straight at her.The last words she whispered before she died, are those of which are held sacred and holy.These words were 'Oh shit' "

A/N:Sorry...I can't continue this right now...my dick's on fire...


	3. I'll bite off your dick

**Disclaimer:I do not own NGE.**

**Gendo's office**

"Rei's body was already disposed of when Ritsuko heard what had happened from the section 2 agents which were supposed to be keeping watch on her"

Dr.Akagi, said Gendo.I want you to make a new Rei clone, do you understand.

Yes, and why the fuck do I have to make a new one when we have thousands upon thousands of clones already dammit!, yelled a pissed off Ritsuko.Cloning from scratch isn't an easy process you know.

I am aware of that, I invented the process, but I do not have to explain myself to you doctor, he said.

"But in Gendo's mind even he didn't know the reason himself, hell he didn't have a reason, he just wanted to piss some one off"

Fine you bastard, i'll do it, said Ritsuko.But next time you ask for a blowjob, i'll bite off your dick.

You suck.

Not anymore I don't.

**Three days later in the secret underground lab**

"Ritsuko kept quietly(loud as hell)cursing into the air as she prepared an artificial egg cell that would become Rei.As she took the egg cell to an aging chamber where she would artificially age Rei to fourteen, give her a soul, and all of her memory till up to right before she died.But Ritsuko didn't notice that a small, thin hair had fallen onto the egg cell she was carrying to the solid metal machine(that means no windows to see inside)then she put it in and prepared the procedure.A few minutes later when everything was done and Rei came out, two words escaped Ritsuko Akagi's lips 'Oh shit' "


	4. Rei just moaned harder and

**Disclaimer:I do not own NGE.**

**WARNING**

This chapter contains material that may not be suited for the younger audience, and by that I mean that this chapter contains fucked up sexual shit.

**The secret underground lab**

"There stood Rei in all her naked glory.Blue was her natural hair color seeing as how her usually clear woman hood had now grown some pubic hair(a lot of hair)Rei was a little confused, but eh, who cares she thought as she scratched one of her furry ears"

WAIT!!Furry!?What the fuck!?, yelled Rei who was obviously scared.(wouldn't you?)

"Ritsuko was still too stunned to say anything.Rei was now panicing as she discovered she had cat ears(Yes, cat ears.The hair that had fallen in belonged to Ritsuko's cat)and human ears, and a four foot long furry tail which was rubbing against her special no no place"

Stop that!, Rei yelled at her tail, which succeded in making her tail penetrate her.Oooh!, gasped Rei surpriced.

"Rei jumped because of the suddenes which caused her to slip, and fall on the cold floor.The coldness of the floor made Rei's nipples rock hard.Rei still tried to gain control over her tail, but to no avail.Her tail was currently making it's way in and out from a struggling young woman in a very gentle manner, which made Rei stop struggling and start moaning in pleasure.Ritsuko just having gotten out of shock looked araound, but couldn't see Rei anywhere, until she heard a soft moan coming from the floor.Ritsuko lost it"

Rei!What the fuck!Take your tail out of there!, yelled Rtsuko in disgust.

"Rei just moaned harder, and orgasm'd, and her 'love juices' started to ooze out"

God dammit Rei, that's so fucking gross!, yelled Ritsuko as she pulled the tail out of Rei's soaked and slightly bleeding woman hood(gross right).

'Flash' flash'

What the hell was that?, said Ritsuko a little afraid.

"She was certain someone had been taking pictures"

Oh shit...

"That ment a spy, or a perverted Gendo and Kozo(that's Fuyutsuki's real first name)?Something was up and she didn't like it.

Rei put on my lab coat, and button it up, said Ritsuko as she took off her lab coat and handed it to Rei.

Yes Dr.Akagi, said Rei getting up and putting on the lab coat.

"Ritsuko grabbed Rei's shoulder with her left hand, and reached into a coat pocket with her right hand, and retrieved a silenced 9mm pistol.Rei could've just pissed herself right there, and yelled in fear of getting shot, but she was in control, mostly in control.She was shaking horribly(again, wouldn't you?)and sweating.Ritsuko noticed this, and also noticed that her gun some how positioned itself on Rei's right temple"

Oh, sorry Rei.I'm not going to shoot you, said Ritsuko.

"Rei didn't believe her one bit, seeing as how the gun had now re-positioned itself inside her mouth.That's it Rei couldn't hold back the fear of being shot to death for no reason .(yeah, if you're wondering.Ritsuko isn't moving her arm, it's moving by itself)Rei's last attempt at controling fear failed.(if a gun was in your mouth what would you do?Huh, tough guy)Rei pissed herself, pushed Ritsuko to the floor along with the gun, and started to run in circles like a maniac screaming 'DON'T KILL ME!!' as tears poured out of her eyes"

Rei!Calm down!I'm not going to shoot you!This is for protection!, asured Ritsuko.

"Rei however, had a different opinion"

Bitch, are you blind!?You fucking pointed that gun to my temple!And then you put that shit in my mouth!You expect me to believe you weren't gonna pump me full of lead!, yelled Rei in total ooc.

Rei!Please let me explain!, said Ritsuko who was still holding the gun.

You got five minutes carpet muncher!, yelled Rei, again in total ooc.(out of character, that's what ooc means.)

Okay.I saw some flashes just now, and it could've been a spy.That's why I took out the gun, explained Ritsuko.

Then why did you point the gun at me!You're still pointing the gun at me!

Well...I guess my arm's kind of like your tail.It does what you really desire.

You desire to kill me?

So what?You desire to be raped by a cat, and i'm not saying anything bad about it.

Good point.Lets not talk about this ever again, said Rei, whose voice returned to monotone.

Alright, we should start looking around, said Ritsuko cocking her gun.(heh, cocking)

Doctor, you do know it's been over half an hour since this mess began, said Rei, in a 'you dumb fuck' tone.

Oh, well that means that person's probably gona alread-

No fucking shit Sherloc, you barely realize this now, yelled Rei in ooc, again.That reminds me, why the fuck am I a cat!

Well...fuck it.It's because i'm an evil genius, and I wanted to make your life hell, how's that, said Ritsuko who didn't want to say the real truth.But, I have realized the error of my ways and will remove the cat parts.

Um...d..doctor.

Yes Rei?

I...I would like to keep my tail a bit longer, said Rei blushing horribly.

Fuck no!Get a man to fuck you instead, you perverted whore!, yelled on lets go remove that shit.

Yes Dr.Akagi, answered Rei who was thinking about what Ritsuko had said 'Get a man to fuck you'.Hmmm, maybe I will, said Rei quieter than usual.

A/N:Dude this chapter was wierd and too long for my taste(I'M NOT FUCKING GAY GOD DAMMIT!!!!).Well, hope to see you all IN HELL!!Muahaha!


	5. Is there something wrong?

**Disclaimer:I do not own NGE.**

**NERV secret underground hospital room**

Alright Rei, thay's that.You no longer have cat ears, or a tail, said Ritsuko who was a little tierd.

Good, said Rei scratching her nose with the back of her hand.

Yes...well don't tell anyone, got it?, said Ritsuko raising an eyebrow after noticing the usual feline act.

I won't say a word Dr.Akagi, said Rei with a small grin.

I want to give a physical to check your status, alright, Ritsuko said.

Yes Dr.Akagi.

**Three hours later**

Hmmn...

Is there something wrong Dr.Akagi?

No...not really.Rei, could you close your eyes for a minute?

Yes Dr.Akagi, said Rei closing her eyes.

"Ritsuko opened a cabinet and pulled out a ball of yarn, and placed it in front of Rei's face"

You can open your eyes now Rei.

"As Rei opened her eyes she saw a ball of yarn, strange, she had a strong urge to grab the yarn and play with it, even stronger than the urge to call the commander, Mr.Rogers, whoever that guy was.But just the thought of that name sent chills down her spine.She was sure that that man is the second most evil being in the planet"

_Wait.Second_?_Then who's the first_?, thought Rei.

"Suddenly, a picture of a dinosaur popped into her head, and then his name.His name is that of which not even nightmare-ish demons from hell dare speak. Barney!!Rei fainted on the spot"

(Muahaha!Yes!Barney!Fear his wrath!Even Gendo trembles in fear upon seeing satan in the form of a purple dinosaur!)

Rei!Rei!Wake up Rei!, Ritsuko got scared, Rei had just fainted with a look of fear on her face.(If you're wondering, Rei's appearance hasn't changed much after the operation, except her finger nails are longer and pointy)

"Rei woke up"

What happened?, asked Rei.

You passed out.Can you tell me why?You looked scared.

I just remember being told to close my eyes.

"Then she saw it, a blue yarn ball.Rei stood up and grabbed it, and started playing with it"

Interesting.I was correct._Rei does seem to have cat instincts, and whatever got her scared was pushed to the back of her brain_, thought Ritsuko.

A/N:Dude...suck it.


	6. I'm naked And so are you!

**Disclaimer:I do not own NGE.**

**NERV hallways**

Alright, the test is over, said Ritsuko through the intercom.Go and get cleaned up.

"As the children made their way to the locker rooms.Asuka kept bitching and whinening about Shinji getting the highest sync again.Shinji, wanting to get away, hurridly ran to the mens locker room"

Yeah you better run you pussy!, yelled Asuka.

Were you speaking to me?, asked Rei thinking Asuka meant pussy cat.

You know wondergirl, you're a total dumbass.

**Mens locker room**

"Shinji sat in the shower half asleep, he didn't know how long he had been there.But he was sure he had been there long enough to make someone worry.Shinji just sat there with his eyes closed thinking to himself"

_I'm sure Misato can wait for another hour or so_, he thought.

"He let the warm water cover his shoulders, he sighed as he closed his arms around the person on his lap"

WAIT!!A person on my lap!What the fuck?!, yelled Shinji as his eyes flew open.

"Rei was sitting in a semi sleep state, completely naked"

A..A...Ayanami!What t-the hell!Get out of here!, yelled Shinji standing up and sending Rei down.

What is wrong Ikari?, asked Rei as she stood up.

Why are you here Ayanami?!And why were you on my lap?!, said Shinji as he turned around so he wouldn't see her naked, and so she wouldn't see the erection he got.

Major Katsuragi sent me to look for you.When I found you here, the steam made me sleepy, and sinse you were in the water I removed my clothes so would not get wet when I went to wake you, said Rei.

But why were you on my lap, and hugging me?, asked Shinji a little more calm but still scared.

Umm?I had a sudden urge to sit on your lap, and you hugged me first.

Urge?What?Then, but..., said Shinji trailing off.Get the fuck out of here!I'm naked!And so are you!, yelled Shinji totally pissed at her stupidity.

"For some reason this hurt Rei's feelings, and she wanted to cry.But instead she wraped her arms around his neck and pulled him into an embrace"

A..Ayanami(sinse she's naked Shinji can feel her breasts pressing against his back, and that's just fueling his erection)w-what are you doing!L-let me go!, yelled Shinji trying to break away.

"Shinji was trying to move her arms away which succeded in both of them tripping, he acted fast and flipped(why do you guys insist on making the guy fall on top of the girl in these situations, I mean come on.Guys are way heavier than girls.Poor girls, it must hurt when your boyfriend falls on you)Rei around so she wouldn't get hurt"

BANG!!

Aah!My fucking head!, yelled Shinji in pain.(Okay pay attention, Shinji is flat on his back, and Rei is now sitting on Shinji's place, but his 'thing' is not inside Rei.If you want to know where it is, here's a clue.The way Rei is sitting on Shinji she can see his face, she has her hands on his chest, and he can see her face, and she is sitting in between Shinji's balls and his 'thing'.That should be enough to let you know just how it looks.Just remember that he still has an erection)

"Misato chose that moment to walk in to look for Shinji.What she saw made her take a few pictures with her cell.After that she made her presence known by yelling"

(From Misato's point of view it looks like Shinji and Rei are having sex, but they actually aren't)

What the fuck!!!

A/N:After this the chapters actually become a little more funny.


End file.
